Week
One: 25 January 2012:
It is very interesting learning about solo
performances but it also quite intimidating thinking that in about three
months’ time I would have had to created my own. In class today we looked at what solo
performance is and were given different examples of solo performances.
Works such as those done by Franco B and Marina
Abramovich were two of the performances that stood out for me. Although I would call them more as dramatic
live art because of the nature of the work.
However, I don’t think I can go that far just to make a piece. Truth be told, I am all about the showing the
pain and in some way over dramatizing things, but I am also a very private
person that doesn’t share that much with anybody.
So basically this module is going to be a real
challenge for me to open up and be able to share myself in my work. As the meaning of solo performance is about
the artist showing their vulnerability and sharing themselves with the
audiences.
In the Kalb reading I read about the working being
documentary such as documenting not only your own experiences but you can also
document other peoples stories and tell their story within your piece. Artists like Anna Deavere Smith who uses
other people’s stories to make a performance.
Then you got Danny Hoch who plays about with what he sees in his life
and also his own upbringing.
These are great artists and I know being an actress
you should be able to play any part, however I don’t think I could go down the
route of playing someone else’s story because I would personally feel as though
I will not do it justice even if I try really hard.
Week
Two: 1 February 2012:
Today we did a exercise on free-writing, normally I
would find it easy to write down my thoughts and feelings depending on how I am
feeling but today I found it hard because I knew in the back of my mind it
would be something that someone else gets to see.
However, I also think that it will be helpful in
generating material for my performance because when I am in the mood of writing
I get surprised with some of the things I do write. I could talk about my life but I am not a
person that likes sharing my personal things.
This
is some of the edited free-writing:
Friday
3/02/2012:
As the end of time,
when your life is over, can you really say you have achieved what you were
meant to achieve? Would you even know what it is?
I keep searching for things that are probably not meant to be found. I think I am a very morbid person. I keep telling myself that I always look for the bad, maybe the bad finds me.
I keep searching for things that are probably not meant to be found. I think I am a very morbid person. I keep telling myself that I always look for the bad, maybe the bad finds me.
Saturday 4/02/2012:
It is better to be
insane than normal! Who wants to be like everyone else?
They should tell you
when you are a kid to expect this and not paint a picture that your life will
turn out wonderful. Can you imagine the
shock to your system when you grow-up and expect to be happy, successful and
ready to live life and instead you get a tonne of shit? Your plans have fallen apart and now you are
lost and don’t know what to do.
You can’t talk to
anyone because
1) they probably have their own shit to deal
with,
2) they seem happier than you and won’t
understand,
3) and because even if you do talk to someone
what you going to say? They will
probably tell you the same thing you tell yourself: stop whining and get on
with it.
Sunday
5/02/2012:
A dream within a dream.
Dangerous stuff, fear or realization, adrenaline pumping, inciting.
At times I do get scared because I think about all the people I am leaving behind, will miss me, maybe. If it was just me I don't think I'd be scared. I feel that I fucked up my life. It’s true people are greedy and egotistic and UNHAPPY.
At times I do get scared because I think about all the people I am leaving behind, will miss me, maybe. If it was just me I don't think I'd be scared. I feel that I fucked up my life. It’s true people are greedy and egotistic and UNHAPPY.
Monday 6/02/2012:
I wonder if I am
adopted, because I differ from my family. I believe in things they don't. I
want things they would never consider. I feel things that are maybe in-human. I
am different. Maybe I was meant
to be different. It is not so much fun at times because you are scared
to show you are different.
Do you feel drawn to things you can't explain? YES.
Do you wish that you knew why? YES.
Do you think that if you knew why you'd accept it? I want to but I don't know.
Do you feel drawn to things you can't explain? YES.
Do you wish that you knew why? YES.
Do you think that if you knew why you'd accept it? I want to but I don't know.
Questions are what
rule's the world.
Do I sometimes wonder whether my
thoughts are my own? Yes all the time.
I went through a time when I thought I was abused. Maybe it was someone else speaking through me.
Why was I born? Was I meant to be born? Is there more to me? I can't answer that for you.
Am i meant to ask these questions? Is there someone who knows the answers?
Do I want to know? YES.
What if it is something I don't like, what then? You deal with it, like how you always deal with things.
Why should I, it's a waste of time? Hmmm, speak up, formulate, I know there is something.
I went through a time when I thought I was abused. Maybe it was someone else speaking through me.
Why was I born? Was I meant to be born? Is there more to me? I can't answer that for you.
Am i meant to ask these questions? Is there someone who knows the answers?
Do I want to know? YES.
What if it is something I don't like, what then? You deal with it, like how you always deal with things.
Why should I, it's a waste of time? Hmmm, speak up, formulate, I know there is something.
Tuesday 7/02/2012:
Why do I always try to
help people?
I am thinking of doing my performance on Alter-ego’s
as I feel as though I have an alter-ego that is the me that I want to be.
Week
Three: 8 February 2012:
Ideas for solo piece:
You can say that it might have to do with an 'alter-ego' me, the person I want to be but know I won't be because of my personality or just the way I am. Maybe this could be a platform for a solo piece, playing between the different versions of me.
I guess everyone has a part of themselves that they never show or a part that is completely opposite from their personality. A way that they want to be or wish they were. Me for example I am a shy person that is always self-conscious about the way I dress or talk and how people see me. So I am always trying to stay in the shadows. Were as when I picture myself in the future and how I want my life to be like I see myself as a very confident, well-spoken person that knows what they want and is not ashamed of getting it.
Research on Alter-Egos:
Human beings are not one-dimensional and sometimes we need another persona to express different facets of our personality. They also make terrific drama! Some are comic; some are terrifying. Some are misguided. There are things that only the alter ego could get away with. In some cases it is hard to distinguish which character is really the alter ego. In no order, we present the top 10 most famous alter egos. http://www.toptenz.net/top-10-alter-egos.php
Similar to the solo artist Andy Kaufman (who I will look at in more detail below) can fall into this category of having an alter-ego.
Andy Kaufman was no ordinary comedian and he always divided audiences. His brand of surrealism and performance art was hilarious to some and bewildering to others. Audiences never knew what to expect. Kaufman took the idea of an alter ego to a new extreme, blurring reality and fiction.
The picture below is a
bit of how I see myself. In a way
'pretty' on the outside and 'ugly' inside. The mind is a very dangerous tool
because how I see it there is so much that goes on inside the mind and nobody
else can see it. However sometimes it is hard to show what goes on in your
head. On the outside you show the you that everyone else sees and in a way you
condition the way you do things to fit in with the others around you. Like take
me for example, I have always been shy and it is the way people see me. And in
my mind's eye I always see myself as someone who is not shy and who is willing
to do anything to be happy. But sometimes are will is not strong enough.
Take someone who has a split-personality, they are more than one person. It is like their alter-ego is fighting against the super-ego and that's how you get someone that is completely different from one time to the next.
Take someone who has a split-personality, they are more than one person. It is like their alter-ego is fighting against the super-ego and that's how you get someone that is completely different from one time to the next.
Edited Free-Writing:
Wednesday 8/02/2012:
Things are bound to
fall into place. Keep believing
and hoping that I am on the right path finally.
There are times when I believe I can feel another presence. There is something else in the room with me?
At times I feel really powerful and dangerous; I can do anything or hurt anyone.
There are times when I believe I can feel another presence. There is something else in the room with me?
At times I feel really powerful and dangerous; I can do anything or hurt anyone.
Thursday 9/02/2012:
If life were a person
I would not be friends with them. I would probably strangle life.
I'm used to be unhappy, going nowhere, scared shit-less, even considering letting go.
I'm used to be unhappy, going nowhere, scared shit-less, even considering letting go.
Friday 10/02/2012:
Life is rubbish and
then you die!
Alter-Ego's: There is
one way you imagine yourself to be but there is just the way you are. If we
could all be who we are meant to be everyone would be happy.
I wanted to be an
assassin when I grew up.
Saturday 11/02/2012:
If you don't know how
to fix it why break it?
Sometimes I wonder if
I have a buffer in my brain that stops things from coming out. Like the little
angel and devil on your shoulder.
Telling you to do something while the other one tells you not to. That is sort of like how my brain works,
because one moment a thought pops into my head then the other blanks it out or
says something like don’t go there.
Sunday 12/02/2012:
Nothing that I had interesting to say on that day that I
thought was worth using.
Monday 13/02/2012:
Music is the rhythm to
your soul.
The eyes are the
window to the soul.
To me the eyes are
more like mirrors; they reflect your own image. Unless someone is willing to
open up to you regardless of if you are looking into their eyes, you not going
to see much.
You build walls to stop that happening again. Even I can't climb over it.
You build walls to stop that happening again. Even I can't climb over it.
Tuesday 14/02/2012:
I could never share
myself with anyone else because half the time I couldn't share myself with
myself. I shared the darkness, the pain, the anger, the loneliness with myself
but never myself-self.
Week Four: 15
February 2012:
It’s true that using different media allows people
to transform themselves into who they want to be. Saying this I have a Facebook account as my
alter-ego and when I feel like her I update my statuses as her. If I am going to do my piece on alter-ego’s I
will have to be able to find the differences between me and my alter-ego.
Common words and phrases that keep coming up in my free-writing:
Insane ,Fear, Danger, Inciting, Scared, Darkness, Lost, Life, Happy, Dream, death, Angel, Climb, Running, Strong, Different, Stripped, Addiction, Invisible, Depressed, Blood, Saved, Believe, Unhappy, Questions, Powerful, Devil, Walls, Stranger, Pain, Hatred, Identity, Destiny, Pain, Myself, Regret.
Why was I born? Going nowhere! Two people. Real Me. Time running out, never turn back, way back.
Insane ,Fear, Danger, Inciting, Scared, Darkness, Lost, Life, Happy, Dream, death, Angel, Climb, Running, Strong, Different, Stripped, Addiction, Invisible, Depressed, Blood, Saved, Believe, Unhappy, Questions, Powerful, Devil, Walls, Stranger, Pain, Hatred, Identity, Destiny, Pain, Myself, Regret.
Why was I born? Going nowhere! Two people. Real Me. Time running out, never turn back, way back.
Difference between me and my alter-ego:
Cristela
|
Blaze
|
Shy
|
Confident/Carefree
|
Quiet
|
Adventurous/
Daring
|
Lost
|
Wild
|
Thinks
before acting/reacting
|
Strong-Willed/self-assured
|
Low
Self-Esteem
|
Impulsive/Lives
in the moment
|
Hateful
of self
|
Gets
what she wants
|
Weak
|
Devious/Evil
|
People
pleaser
|
Vindictive/Vengeful
|
Dangerous
|
|
Charming
at times
|
|
Sexy
|
|
Straight
forward
|
|
Edited Free-Writing:
Wednesday 15/02/2012:
No words to describe the void I feel inside;
The emptiness the world seals in my eyes,
Tears I’ve cried leaves death behind,
Open a door and let me be found!
There is something
seriously wrong with me. I don't know the person staring back at me, a
stranger.
Thursday 16/02/2012:
Sometimes we have to
keep fighting.
Friday 17/02/2012:
Walking in the dark of
night alone I felt so safe and thought, 'This is where I am meant to be.
Between two worlds.'
We go to another
place, it could be called a ‘dream world’ but I don’t think we still in this
world.
Saturday 18/02/2012:
My minds a deep dark hole,
Riddles, tales and sorrow,
Morning comes a light a new,
Darkness fading with only dew,
My heart beats a thousand drums
Just to think that time has come.
Birds a singing, in morning
light,
A song of happiness to say
goodbye to night,
Sun shine gleaming on the water
front,
Fishermen reeling in their nets a
lined,
Questions answered, days are
numbered
Life’s a drag but needs a fag,
Lights are dimming as darkness
comes,
It’s time to leave and say
goodnight!
Sunday 19/02/2012:
I did change once,
from the person I was long ago.
Monday 20/02/2012:
Productive day said the girl with
the long black hair,
For a change some work was done.
Let’s hope I don’t let down my
guard,
Too many fools in the world of
today.
I sing a song of silent sighs,
And watch as my eyes begin to
cry,
Bloody tears drench my clothes,
As in crawl back into my dark
hole.
My head is buzzing but my head is
crushed,
Do you remember how I used to
laugh?
I can’t remember how I came to
be,
The girl with the golden tree!
I am cursed by the days of
tomorrow,
Always to remain in sorrow.
Happiness is a delusion for one
so small,
To see the evil at a very great
sight.
Angles burn as demons rise,
To grasp the place of great
escape.
The skies burn red as acid rain,
Our skin so limp just slithers
by,
Into the days of great despise.
Tuesday 21/02/2012:
Nothing with saying from the free-writing today.
Research on
Alter-ego’s:
Beyonce's alter-ego is Sasha Fierce:
This is an article about a woman who had multiple personality disorders, all ranging in age from 2 to 30, male and female and all different races. She drew sketches of each of her 17 alter-egos and in this woman's case she speaks about not remember becoming someone else but says that her alter-egos were defense mechanisms that her body formed to help her deal with traumatic incidents in her life.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-489655/Patient-multiple-personalities-sketches-17-alter-egos.html
These are the sketches of her different personalities with the names and ages of each one.
This song speaks to me in so many ways, as though it was written for
me:
"Crashed"
Daughtry
Daughtry
Well I was moving at the speed of sound.
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Where I've been, well it's all a blur.
What I was looking for, I'm not sure.
Too late and didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
Somehow, I couldn't stop myself.
I just wanted to know how it felt.
Too strong, I couldn't hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I'm just tryin' to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened.
Where we're heading, there's just no knowing.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
From your face, your eyes
Are burning to me.
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need.
Oh, just what I need.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
Head-spinning, couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was going down.
Yeah, yeah.
Where I've been, well it's all a blur.
What I was looking for, I'm not sure.
Too late and didn't see it coming.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
Somehow, I couldn't stop myself.
I just wanted to know how it felt.
Too strong, I couldn't hold on.
Yeah, yeah.
Now I'm just tryin' to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened.
Where we're heading, there's just no knowing.
Yeah, yeah.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
From your face, your eyes
Are burning to me.
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need.
Oh, just what I need.
And then I crashed into you,
And I went up in flames.
Could've been the death of me,
But then you breathed your breath in me.
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And then I crashed into you,
And I crashed into you,
Like a runaway train.
You will consume me,
But I can't walk away.
Week Five: 22 February 2012:
When I was reading
about the artist Bobby Baker I could understand where she was coming from. Just like her I sometimes think I am mad and
have something physically wrong in my head because in a way I feel as though I
have a monster inside of me that’s trying to get out. Maybe in a way that could be my
alter-ego. I keep saying that she is the
other side of me, the me that is everything I want to be but at times I just
feel that maybe there is more to here because I can imagine myself as her but
everything I imagine about myself when
her I am totally ‘evil’ in away.
Sometimes I find myself really enjoying the thought of hurting someone,
knowing that I am capable of doing something like that and it scares me to
think that I am letting something so bad into my head.
I find that listening
to music helps me get my thoughts and feelings in order, especially when I
cannot explain what I am feeling, why I am feeling it or what I can do to make
things better. A lot of the time the words from the songs get to me, it is like
they were written just for me and they describe me in ways I cannot explain. I
find myself taking out the lines from the songs that refer to me:
I was listening to the
song 'Iris' by the 'Goo Goo Dolls,'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw
I don't want the world to see me, 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand. You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. I'd give up forever to touch you, 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow. When everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NdYWuo9OFAw
I don't want the world to see me, 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand. You can't fight the tears that ain't coming, or the moment of truth in your lies. When everything feels like the movies, Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive. I'd give up forever to touch you, 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow. When everything's meant to be broken I just want you to know who I am.
This was from the Lost Prophets - 4am Forever:
I think the reason I feel drawn to these words is because I feel at times that I am screaming out and no one can hear me. I find that people tend to only want to be left in their own world. I once was thinking about when people greet one another, they don't really care how you doing they just asking out of politeness. Once someone starts to talk about the problems the other person just shuts down and cannot be bothered. I know this because I find at times I do exactly that and it is mean. So because I know that I also know that no matter how much people cry out for help they are just alone because no one is bothered.
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you? Why don't you listen when I try to make it through? I wonder if my heart will ever mend. All these words that I could never say, I just let them slip away. Goodbye, you never know.
I think the reason I feel drawn to these words is because I feel at times that I am screaming out and no one can hear me. I find that people tend to only want to be left in their own world. I once was thinking about when people greet one another, they don't really care how you doing they just asking out of politeness. Once someone starts to talk about the problems the other person just shuts down and cannot be bothered. I know this because I find at times I do exactly that and it is mean. So because I know that I also know that no matter how much people cry out for help they are just alone because no one is bothered.
Why don't you hear me when I'm calling out to you? Why don't you listen when I try to make it through? I wonder if my heart will ever mend. All these words that I could never say, I just let them slip away. Goodbye, you never know.
Wednesday 22/02/2012:
Religion is the talk of the day,
Things I wonder but dare not say,
Confused in what to believe in.
Time is going so fast I need a
catch up,
I soar on wings of an eagle,
To the great sky in the heavens,
There I long to stay.
But that world is not for me,
Where do I belong?
That’s a question with a thousand
lies,
Because the answer I seek to find
Is never going to open my mind.
I long for love,
I long for peace,
But most of all I long to be set
free
And let my eyes be opened,
So that I can see the bright
lights shining continuously.
Thursday
23/02/2012:
I dreamt about you again last night,
I don’t understand why when you are out of
sight.
I am tired of trying to understand it all,
I’m tired of the fight.
For once I saw your face as clear as day,
You smiled, but we had nothing to say,
Why do you do this, pop up without a word,
And just like that my foundations just turn
to dirt?
It is not fair, I can’t keep doing this,
What is it all supposed to mean?
I can’t wait for you no more,
Till I can see through this screen.
It hurts too much to let it all back in,
Just to realise it was all for nothing.
Why can’t you just stay away and let me
heal?
If we were meant to be just tell me.
It’s me or him, you got to choose,
Because darling if you don’t you’re gonna
lose.
I have nothing left to give; I’ve given it
all to you,
And it just blew away like leaves on a summer’s
day.
Just when I see the light you always show up
and block that light,
Am I meant to stay in darkness?
Is my life not worth the love?
I just want you to leave me alone,
Because baby I’ve had enough!
Friday
24/02/2012:
I did change once, from the person I was
long ago.
Talking about things I'd never say; writing words on a blank sheet of paper
as if it will make the world a better place.
Talking about things I'd never say; writing words on a blank sheet of paper
as if it will make the world a better place.
Saturday
25/02/2012:
Tears on my pillow,
Blood on my hands,
Mistakes of the past
Need to be buried in the sand.
Life not begun and taken too soon,
But you cannot continue to live in doom.
Hearts now in pieces,
Trust forever gone,
Words left unspoken
Make a recipe for a very bad doom.
Sunday
26/02/2012:
Confused by things I don’t understand,
My minds in turmoil and I don’t know where I
stand.
It’s not me that is here but something else
entirely,
Emotions running deep,
I wish I could just go to sleep.
I hate this feeling of loneliness,
But really that is all I am blessed with.
Monday
27/02/2012:
Nothing
with mentioning.
Tuesday
28/02/2012:
Started thinking about death again.
So who is the bitch now? SUCKER. You have finally met your match. You have taken away everything I ever wanted.
So who is the bitch now? SUCKER. You have finally met your match. You have taken away everything I ever wanted.
Alter-ego Research:
I have always loved
this poem by Robert Frost.
This poem got to me
because I always thought that fire would end this world and because I have an
obsession with it.
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if it had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.
Alter-Egos:
Deliver me, out of my sadness.
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wonderful song by Sarah Brightman and Enya...
Deliver me, from all of the madness.
Deliver me, courage to guide me.
Deliver me, strength from inside me.
All of my life I've been in hiding.
Wonderful song by Sarah Brightman and Enya...
Dance Photographic Exhibit. Opportunity for professional and amateur dancers to participate:
"Alter Egos: An Exhibition on the Search for Self" is more than an elite photo shoot by an prestigious dance photographer. This is an opportunity for you to manifest your own unique ideas and dance psyche into a world-class international photographic exhibit - where your movement, creativity and image intersect with Mark Andrew's artistry to create a cutting-edge, intoxicating photography that will rock the dance world.
This is a fantastic video that was put together by Mark Andrew who is a photographer and he captures pictures of dancers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NybTUZjAdQ8&feature=player_embedded
Week Six: 29 February
2012:
Research:
As my blog name is
called 'Fallen Angel' and my alter-ego is 'Blaze Ryder.'
The reasons that these are my Alias is mainly because I feel I have lost my identity and religion. After growing up in the Catholic church, events led me to doubt all I was brought up to believe. I felt betrayed and angry at God and I began to hate everything I was taught, therefore 'Fallen Angel.' Blaze Ryder came about because I liked danger and adventure. Everything that the normal me wouldn't do she did, it is like a defense mechanism for me to deal with my disappointments and failures because to me Blaze could do anything. I guess if I had to think about how the name came about it just did, but now thinking of it, maybe it is because she is riding on the flames of hell.
I found this interesting site that talks about what 'Fallen Angels are:'
http://carm.org/fallen-angels
'Angels are created beings used by God as messengers, warriors, and servants. Angels are spiritual beings without bodies of flesh and bones, though they apparently have the ability to appear in human form. Fallen angels are those angels who rebelled against God along with Lucifer, an archangel who became the devil.'
The reasons that these are my Alias is mainly because I feel I have lost my identity and religion. After growing up in the Catholic church, events led me to doubt all I was brought up to believe. I felt betrayed and angry at God and I began to hate everything I was taught, therefore 'Fallen Angel.' Blaze Ryder came about because I liked danger and adventure. Everything that the normal me wouldn't do she did, it is like a defense mechanism for me to deal with my disappointments and failures because to me Blaze could do anything. I guess if I had to think about how the name came about it just did, but now thinking of it, maybe it is because she is riding on the flames of hell.
I found this interesting site that talks about what 'Fallen Angels are:'
http://carm.org/fallen-angels
'Angels are created beings used by God as messengers, warriors, and servants. Angels are spiritual beings without bodies of flesh and bones, though they apparently have the ability to appear in human form. Fallen angels are those angels who rebelled against God along with Lucifer, an archangel who became the devil.'
How you have fallen
from heaven, O star of the morning, son of the dawn! You have been cut down to
the earth, You who have weakened the nations! 13"But you said in your
heart, 'I will ascend to heaven; I will raise my throne above the stars of God,
And I will sit on the mount of assembly In the recesses of the north. 14'I will
ascend above the heights of the clouds; I will make myself like the Most High,'"
(Isaiah 14:12-14).
This is a song by Paramore called Decode. I feel when listening to this song it speaks
about by life. The blue shaded area is
my alter-ego speaking to me and the green shaded area is me speaking. I find comfort in music because it is like
putting into words what I am feeling, that which I cannot say myself.
How can I decide what’s right?
When you’re clouding up my mind
I can’t win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you’re always taking sides
But you won’t take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own
(I'm screaming, I love you so)
On my own
(But my thoughts you can't decode)
How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’re gonna make such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’re gonna make such fools of ourselves
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me, I want it to be true
When you’re clouding up my mind
I can’t win your losing fight
All the time
Nor could I ever own what's mine
When you’re always taking sides
But you won’t take away my pride
No, not this time
Not this time
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
The truth is hiding in your eyes
And it’s hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can’t see
What kind of man that you are
If you’re a man at all
Well, I will figure this one out
On my own
(I'm screaming, I love you so)
On my own
(But my thoughts you can't decode)
How did we get here?
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here?
Well, I think I know
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’re gonna make such fools of ourselves
Do you see what we’ve done?
We’re gonna make such fools of ourselves
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
How did we get here
When I used to know you so well?
I think I know
I think I know
There is something I see in you
It might kill me, I want it to be true
Wednesday 29/02/2012:
Thoughts galore
Make me wonder more;
Life goes on with empty promises.
I feel like I am two people.
The other half of me is not satisfied with what I have.
Myself as strong.
Myself as strong.
Thursday 1/03/2012 & Friday 2/03/2012:
Today I just needed to
take a time out from all this writing because it is bringing up memories that I
would not remember. It hurts too much to
go to that place again. Like an old
wound that has not healed properly because I keep pulling the scab off. This time nothing my alter-ego says is going
to make a difference. When I feel like
this I always end up doing something stupid, I don’t want to be that person, I
just want to be normal and do normal things.
I can’t understand why I cannot just be happy like everyone else.
Saturday 3/03/2012:
As the sunset weird
feeling, imagine life being something else, being much better.
This poem probably came to be from all the things I was feeling the
last two days. It is all a game, faking
it, being happy, and putting on a mask so others don’t see the broken pieces of
me. Like Bobby Baker speaking about
wearing a mask, that is exactly the way I feel most of the time, like I need to
pretend to be someone else for everyone else.
When you look at me
what do you see?
Do you see a girl that has everything including beauty?
When I speak do you hear the words?
Can you not see it is something you taught me!
When I smile can you see it's a lie?
that every ounce of me wants to die,
You think I'm happy, you think I'm kind,
you think you know me just by the way I am.
The way I look and the way I act,
What you don't know is I'm nothing like that.
Inside I'm a mess, it's something I don't show
because all my life I kept a low profile.
I hide my doubts and my fears,
you never get to see my tears.
Late at night when I am all alone
I lie in bed with no mask on,
everything so wrong with this life of mine,
but I can't seem to find anything
so I just bide my time
So when you look at me next,
look at my eyes and tell me if you can see
all I feel inside,
Don't presume to know me,
you only know what I show.
Do you see a girl that has everything including beauty?
When I speak do you hear the words?
Can you not see it is something you taught me!
When I smile can you see it's a lie?
that every ounce of me wants to die,
You think I'm happy, you think I'm kind,
you think you know me just by the way I am.
The way I look and the way I act,
What you don't know is I'm nothing like that.
Inside I'm a mess, it's something I don't show
because all my life I kept a low profile.
I hide my doubts and my fears,
you never get to see my tears.
Late at night when I am all alone
I lie in bed with no mask on,
everything so wrong with this life of mine,
but I can't seem to find anything
so I just bide my time
So when you look at me next,
look at my eyes and tell me if you can see
all I feel inside,
Don't presume to know me,
you only know what I show.
Sunday
4/03/2012:
Looking out the window, rained, and wishing
I was something else.
Monday
5/03/2012:
The 'real me' is trapped inside
and can't get out.
Tuesday 6/03/2012:
Where is my happiness?
Week Seven: 7 March
2012:
I am re-thinking my
concept of using alter-ego’s because I am finding it hard to really become
her. I know she is so much stronger than
me and has all the qualities that I want in my life but when I let her through
I become someone that terrifies me. She
overtakes and does things that the normal me wouldn’t do and that she be what I
want and a part of does want that but there is something evil about her. At times I can’t help but think maybe this is
who I am meant to become.
I have been looking at
the work of Tim Miller and even Bobby Baker, among other solo artists
who use their own experiences and life to make a performance. So I am thinking of maybe doing something
like this. This is a module I am really
struggling because I am a really private person that likes keeping my thoughts
and feelings to myself. Maybe this is
what I need to let go of things and put things in perspective.
Today we had Marie Gabrielle-Rotie and her work is
amazing. She speaks about using movement
within her performance as she trained as a dancer. Now I am not a dancer or singer so I don’t
know what I can really contribute to my piece besides my story.
Research on solo work:
Trevor Noah:
I watched a comedy show in which I regard as a solo piece because it was one person who was performing. He is a very popular South African comedian and has only been performing for two years. He bases his work on his own personal experiences and speaks about the differences within the cultures he grew up in referring to the time of apartheid, his father a Swiss white man and his mother a black woman from Soweto. He also ties his performances with the cultures of the other South African people and make fun at the political aspects of the country from the different presidents and also his journey's within Europe and America. He plays each of his characters by changing and taking on their accents and speaking styles and also their movements and gestures. He plays with the concepts of political, historical and cultural in his piece. This relates back to last weeks class in which I was talking about the social/performative of solo performance.
This is his official Site:
http://www.trevornoah.co.za/
In this piece he looks at the President Jacob Zuma:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q12H1dpOwdE
This video looks at how Trevor Noah started as a comedian:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pNp1NXlUQY0
Wednesday 7/03/2012:
Different and more warrior like.
Capable of being someone. I am more like the angel on the right, and Blaze is
the devil on the left.
Let go, kill her, Blaze to be born.
Let go, kill her, Blaze to be born.
Thursday 8/03/2012:
I don't remember when exactly I
stopped being happy I just I did. I have been unhappy for a long time.
Happiness is meant to be something free
But why is it so difficult to see?
I lost mine along the way
And the worst part I wished I had stayed.
When I look back I can’t remember why,
All the things I thought would make me touch
the sky
Just like a song I once knew
That tells me ‘my life would suck without
you,’
I let go of that happiness
When I tried to let go of you.
But instead I feel as though I’ve lost my
head
Someone once said:
‘a person who truly loves you will never
stop believing in you and will never let you go no matter how hard the
situation…’
More fool me for holding out hope,
That one day you’ll see me in the darkness
And bring my happiness back to life.
Friday
9/03/2012:
Why do I always want things I can’t have?
Is it just me or does that sound pretty sad?
When I open my eyes I see the world at
large,
But I know my bad luck will never barge.
I am cursed; it is easy to see,
That this life isn’t for me.
No matter how much I scream and shout,
I will never win because I am always cheated
out.
My life is one big sad story,
It’s even more depressing than being lonely.
I must be the mug that drew the short straw,
How else can you explain this kinda draw?
Is it just me seeing the world through
rose-coloured glasses,
That I can’t see that the last of the bad
classes?
Saturday 10/03/2012:
Assertive, impulsive,
turns a situation into something that would benefit her. Auto-pilot, my mind.
Sunday 11/03/2012:
I'm always unhappy, I don't think I've
had a genuine moment of happiness since i was ten years old. My life is
a complete fraud. I'm not fooling anyone am I? I don't expect anyone to like
me. I don't like me. I have spent my
time chasing dreams that died a long time ago.
Long-time doubted that I was meant to be born. Cursed, darkness, death
calling.
Monday 12/03/2012:
I look at you,
You just don’t see it,
I question my life, who would want to steal
it?
Shrouded in darkness, lost the will to live,
You don’t know it but I have to leave,
I let you all down, I know you see it the
other way round.
What you have to understand, it just wasn’t
my time,
I was either born too soon or born too late,
However I doubt I was meant to be born in
this state.
There’s something inside that’s killing me,
It wants to break out, but I can’t let it go.
Who knows, maybe I was meant to end the world after all.
I’m tired of fighting, of getting nowhere,
Everything I ever wanted was taken away.
Is this a punishment for something I once
done?
Maybe it’s a way for me to come undone.
Open your eyes to see who I really am,
I really am the devil in disguise,
I’m evil, I’m bad to the core,
Nothing can change what I came here for.
The only person to stop me is myself,
That’s why you have to understand I have a
shelf life.
Tuesday
13/03/2012:
This
came about from song lyrics that I was listening to and in a weird way it was
like my alter-ego was talking to me and I was answering her back.
Blaze: This is so
you this is what you do, you’d rather make do than make a move. What will it
take now how do I make this matter enough to you?
C: I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired. I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time. I'm sinking in the sand and I can barely stand, I’m lost in this dream.
B: Nothing to lose but everything to gain, reflecting now on how things could've been. There's nothing left to fear.
C: I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall and I’m scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own. 'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness, I feel like I’m drowning.
B: I've given too much of myself and now it's driving me crazy, I'm crying out for help. Sometimes I wish someone would just come here and save me, save me from myself.
C: Everyone wants to lean on me; I guess I'm their soldier. Well, who's gonna be mine? I guess I'm living a lie. Inside my mind each day I die. What can bring me back to life?
C: I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired. I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time. I'm sinking in the sand and I can barely stand, I’m lost in this dream.
B: Nothing to lose but everything to gain, reflecting now on how things could've been. There's nothing left to fear.
C: I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall and I’m scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own. 'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness, I feel like I’m drowning.
B: I've given too much of myself and now it's driving me crazy, I'm crying out for help. Sometimes I wish someone would just come here and save me, save me from myself.
C: Everyone wants to lean on me; I guess I'm their soldier. Well, who's gonna be mine? I guess I'm living a lie. Inside my mind each day I die. What can bring me back to life?
Week Eight: 14 March
2012:
Today we had Gem Rudd-Orthner who is an amazing solo
artist. Her performance
‘transformation,’ is made with different aspects of her life. I am kind of using her as inspiration at the
moment as I am deciding on using my own life story, the search of happiness and
belonging and how my left went wrong. In
her performance she uses a lot of movement that makes the performance inciting
and I could relate to most of what she spoke about. Although I am doing it on my life story I
think that I might be able to include a bit of my alter-ego in the piece
because she is part of my life and in a way the path that I feel I am leading
towards.
Wednesday 14/03/2012:
Thoughts of dying, attraction to the
supernatural. Running, Myself,
Afraid, real me. Belly piercings,
tattoos, defense mechanisms, climb over the wall.
Thursday 15/03/2012:
Stripped identity.
'All the girls I've liked never liked me. So as you can see
it is a vicious circle, one I am about to leave.'
Me loving him, him loving her, her not interested. Me ,loving him, him loving him. Strip myself of everything. Email, address, phone number, RELIGION. Pierced, tattooed, sick. Purging my soul. drugs, addiction.
Me loving him, him loving her, her not interested. Me ,loving him, him loving him. Strip myself of everything. Email, address, phone number, RELIGION. Pierced, tattooed, sick. Purging my soul. drugs, addiction.
Friday 16/03/2021:
Research on Alter-ego’s, identity and religion:
I found these words on
the website for 'Wicked Mike' and I personally feel as though he has written
exactly what I feel.
http://www.wickedmike.com/tag/darkness/
Maybe my gift is the darkness. It has taken time for the observation of that possibility for it’s easy for me to be blind whilst in it. I accept it without resignation, indifference, love or hate. I accept it as a beginning that could lead to those or more. I am not wicked like a child or a sinner for that is wickedness unto others. Mine is more personal. I am wicked within myself. Destruction and creation are born of the same heart. I am halfway to the fulfilment of that.
http://www.wickedmike.com/tag/darkness/
Maybe my gift is the darkness. It has taken time for the observation of that possibility for it’s easy for me to be blind whilst in it. I accept it without resignation, indifference, love or hate. I accept it as a beginning that could lead to those or more. I am not wicked like a child or a sinner for that is wickedness unto others. Mine is more personal. I am wicked within myself. Destruction and creation are born of the same heart. I am halfway to the fulfilment of that.
This picture is sometimes
the way I feel. Like I am the light and my alter-ego is the dark.
Saturday 17/03/2012:
Stronger, vindictive,
dangerous, adventurous, would not stop to grieve for you, hard like nails, sexy
like hell, Strong.
Sunday 18/03/2012:
This picture represents my pull from what I was brought up believing
and what I am trying to fight against now.
Monday 19/03/2012:
Time is running out.
Pressure. Trying is so over-rated.
Tuesday 20/03/2012:
I am just fighting my
destiny. Stronger than angel army, cast down like a leaper. One issue,mother
nature, period.
Out of the darkness a voice called out to me:
'Smile my brightness cause I have a plan for you,
Your days of sorrow are numbered,
with me by your side we will take over this world.'
As i turned around, there stood with a menacing look in her eyes. Hand held out for me to grasp, like a devil setting a trap. She smiled as if she could see my fighting.
'You'll never be alone with me around;
All the things you want to be can be found in me,
I'm you, the real you, the other part of the coin,
I'm the identity you've been waiting for;
Risen from the ashes, baptized in blood.
Strength of a million souls and venom of a thousand demons.'
The angel has fallen, struck down and broken.
I had the option of holding onto that stretched hand or forever to battle with the demons inside. A sense of belonging is what I crave.
Week Nine: 21 March
2012:
Been trying to work
on my script and highlighting words that I think will describe the process of
being happy to becoming sad.
Wednesday 21/03/2012:
I grew up as a tomboy, mainly because
the only children my age growing up were my brother and my cousin. We used to have sleepovers and I got to sit in the middle. During bath time I was in the middle, bedtime I was in the
middle, even when we went anywhere I was in the middle. At other times I just blended in with the boys, climbing trees, shooting
slingshots. Climb over metal gates at my
aunt’s house at 7 o’clock in the morning to go to Kensington Shopping Centre to buy a box of
matches just to play with fire crackers.
I grew up in a Catholic church and
went to church every Sunday. I
used to say the rosary with my mum everyday and everyday it resulted in me
falling asleep on the bed and awaking at
the end. I used to say the ‘Our Father.’ I have been wondering this earth like a lost
cause. I’d break every rule the church
made, I’ll show you sin.
Thursday 22/03/2012:
Run away, identity, invisible,
black, pierced, take away the
pain, tattoo, gave me something to believe in, addicted, magic, wicca, against, taught, myself sick,
psychology, wrong with me, acting, confident me, self-harming, wrists bleeding, Godmother, run away,
praying, not sure I believe, anger inside, hate, hate, hate, hate.
Friday 23/03/2012:
Seasons, the world
moves forward yet I find myself in the same place. Spinning around uncontrollably. I feel sick but I can’t seem to get off. Continually running, trying so hard to grab hold of my life. But I end up clutching at straws. Bullied, intimidated, broken down, afraid to
sleep. Would never have to wake up. Stay asleep forever.
I am the child of darkness:
I am the child of darkness
Born in light but cast down to the ground,
My wounds never healing.
I am the child of death,
Forever clouding my mind,
Bringing me down.
I am the child of darkness,
Broken and torn
Safe in my haven of night.
I am the child
I am the child
I am the child
Never to be born,
Cursed from hell and banished from heaven.
I am the child of the devil
Here to end the world.
Fighting for the side of good
Filled with the vile of evil.
Anger, rage and satisfaction,
Tears me apart,
I am the child of death
I am the child of death.
Last life to live,
Born of one,
To die for many,
This world ends at my hands.
Saturday
24/03/2012:
Run away, running, never turned back,
running, shame, anger, pain, run, how to stop.
Torn papers, lost my way, find my way, myself, insane, depressed, death,
wrists, imaging blood dripping, hear sound, a cross, death, be saved, sexually
abused, cried, hate, abortion, further apart, regrets, pray.
Sunday
25/03/2012:
Vulnerable creative, die, memories, blur,
any light, end. I can still see myself
dying. I am running but I don’t know
from what anymore. Dark place.
Monday
26/03/2012:
Everything is so depressing, simple, a
child. I started thinking about him
again. I can’t help but think there was
a reason why all this happened. I don’t
want to believe that it could be that it all comes down to him and me and
whether the world ends. Wish I could rip
my heart out. I hate feeling weak. Put on a brave face, smile and be strong for
everyone else just so that they will have someone to lean on. The person who is strong for everyone else is
really the one who is breaking inside.
I’ve been in such a dark place for such a
long time. It is like I got the grim
reaper/angel of death following me around, waiting for me. It is not fun feeling trapped and knowing
there is no way out. I was never meant
to be born. Death has been following me
around for a long time, since I was born.
Maybe I am death.
Tuesday
27/03/2012:
Can a person run away from their past and
all the choices they made? Anger, pain,
free. When will I find my happiness?
Week Ten: 28 March 2012:
Today I was doing my piece to get feedback
and boy was it hard to actually allow myself to act like a kid again. I think that is because I had to grow up and
realise that dreams are childish and even though I wish things were different
they never going to be.
Anyway all I can say I got out of that
performance was really badly bruised knees so I guess that kind of goes with
the piece of the whole pain thing.
Wednesday
28/03/2012:
I still don’t feel happy, I don’t feel I
deserve all that. I still feel as though
something is missing. Everytime I feel
that I have a chance of being happy something always comes along and throws me
back into the deep dark hole of longing and I have to start searching all over
again. I sometimes feel as though this
is not my life and I am just hanging about until it is my time to wake-up. I feel as though things are going to end soon
and you don’t know how much I want that to be true.
Thursday
29/03/2012:
‘Love is giving chances when there is no
more chances left to give.’ Humans are
weak because they let their emotions get in the way of things. That I was happy. Inside I am just a hollowed out shell. I was evil and I do feel I am capable of it. The
world will end in 2012. I was born
on the 20th of December and this year will be 20/12/2012. it gives me a
purpose and I feel really powerful. Maybe
I am the devil’s child! My true destiny.
The darkness is where I feel safe. I am
the child of the darkness, enemy of the light.
Friday
30/03/2012:
If I jumped what would it be like? Parallel world, spirit that is like a ghost,
just want to grab them and smash them against the wall.
I am the child of darkness,
I am the child of night,
Nothing can break me,
Nothing can give me a fright.
Born out of love, risen out of hate,
I am the one who determines your fate.
Destiny has no hold over me,
I will be the one to make you scream.
I am the child of darkness,
I am the child of night,
I am the devil that’s out for your blood.
I maybe weak, but soon I’ll be strong,
All those million souls will be mine alone.
Can you see, can you feel it in your bones?
No matter where you run,
I’ll find you and bring you down.
This is a world that’s mine,
All along I’ve been a stranger,
Now it’s my time to return,
No longer invisible, no longer of kind.
I am the child of darkness,
I am the child of night.
There is no place to rest
Just take it in your stride.
I am the child of darkness,
I am the child of night,
I am the child of darkness,
I am the child of night,
And I will always be by your side.
I am the child of darkness,
I am the child of night.
Saturday
31/03/2012:
I keep feeling as though the end is nigh,
I am really feeling calm.
Maybe I am holding out for a miracle again.
One life to live,
One love to give,
One moment to fall,
One way to break.
Every day it gets harder,
Instead of loving you a little less,
I find myself loving you a little harder
And giving you a little bit more.
Tell me how has your life turned out?
Is it everything you hoped it would be?
Does your prayers comfort you when you’re
lonely?
Does your God keep you warm when you’re
cold?
As your life moves on my remains still,
Only one of us can be happy,
I have to be the one that’s sad.
I don’t hate you for what you have,
I just hate myself for not being what you
crave.
If it’s true that God made you,
Does that mean that the devil made me too?
We’re the same but different in a way,
Because I love you and you love him too.
Was it always meant to be this way?
Me standing on the outside loving a mortal
man,
You standing inside loving a ghost of
immortality!
When will it end?
When I stop loving you and take down this damned
land.
Every
time this song plays it makes me wish that he would be the one saying these
words. My alter-ego on the other hand
has a crueller plan to make him beg and then when he thinks he is winning, tear
him down and make him feel the way he made me feel for so long.
"Far Away"
This time, This place
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
This song is me totally and how I keep running away from things and hoping to find some meaning in my life that would prove the reason for my existence and not always being left lost and in the dark.
Misguided Ghosts by PARAMORE:
I am going away for a while
But I'll be back don't try and follow me
Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm tryin' to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes,
And run from them
From them
With no direction
We'll run from them
From them
With no conviction
Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
Now I'm told that this is life
Pain is just a simple compromise
So we can we get what we want out of it
Will someone care to classify
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find, someone to rely on,
And run to them
to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just
Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles.
Misused, Mistakes
Too long, Too late
Who was I to make you wait
Just one chance
Just one breath
Just in case there's just one left
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I miss you
Been far away for far too long
I keep dreaming you'll be with me
and you'll never go
Stop breathing if
I don't see you anymore
On my knees, I'll ask
Last chance for one last dance
'Cause with you, I'd withstand
All of hell to hold your hand
I'd give it all
I'd give for us
Give anything but I won't give up
'Cause you know,
you know, you know
[CHORUS]
So far away
Been far away for far too long
So far away
Been far away for far too long
But you know, you know, you know
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
That I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
Hold on to me and, never let me go
This song is me totally and how I keep running away from things and hoping to find some meaning in my life that would prove the reason for my existence and not always being left lost and in the dark.
Misguided Ghosts by PARAMORE:
I am going away for a while
But I'll be back don't try and follow me
Cause I'll return as soon as possible
See I'm tryin' to find my place
But it might not be here where I feel safe
We all learn to make mistakes,
And run from them
From them
With no direction
We'll run from them
From them
With no conviction
Cause I'm just one of those ghosts
Traveling endlessly
Don't need no roads
In fact they follow me
And we just go in circles
Now I'm told that this is life
Pain is just a simple compromise
So we can we get what we want out of it
Will someone care to classify
A broken heart and twisted minds
So I can find, someone to rely on,
And run to them
to them
Full speed ahead
Oh you are not
Useless
We are just
Misguided ghosts
Traveling endlessly
The ones we trusted the most
Pushed us far away
And there's no one road
We should not be the same
I'm just a ghost
And still they echo me
They echo me in circles.
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