- When developing your solo performance it doesn't have to be linear.
- There are fractured ways of exploring memory.
- Cross between many disciplines and forms (dance, music, acting, movement)
Extracts from free-writing for piece:
Ideas for script 1:
Staging:
Was thinking of doing the piece as though in a counselling session as the parts that I have written out has a lot of questions so I was thinking of having myself as the patient answering these questions and the doctor is my alter-ego asking me these questions.
At the end of time, when your life is over can you really say that you achieved what you were meant to achieve? Would you even know what it is? It is better to be insane that normal, who wants to be life everyone else! It is true that people are greedy and egotist and unhappy.
Sometimes I wonder if I am adopted because I differ from my family. I believe in things they don't, I want things they would never consider. I feel things that are probably in-human. I am different, not special, not unique, not one of a kind but different. Maybe I was meant to be different. Maybe it is better to act like everyone else.
Alter-ego/Psychiatrist: Do you feel drawn to things you can't explain?
ME: YES.
Alter-ego/Psychiatrist: Do you wish that you knew why?
ME: YES.
Alter-ego/Psychiatrist: Do you think that if you did you would except it?
ME: I want to but I don't know. Do I sometimes wonder if my thoughts are my own? YES all the time.
I went through a time I thought I was abused, maybe it is someone speaking through me!
ME: Why was I born, was I even mean't to be born or was it the luck of the draw? Is there more to me?
Alter-ego/Psychiatrist: I can't answer that for you.
ME: Am I meant to ask these questions? Is there someone who knows the answers? Do I want to know? YES. What if it is something I don't like then what?
Alter-ego/Psychiatrist: You deal with it like you always deal with things.
ME: Why should I? Its a waste of time.
(Looks at Alter-ego/Psychiatrist)
ME: Hmm, speak up, formulate, I know there is something.
Feedback:
Like the idea of playing both parts. But how are you going to define each character, by clothing for example?
Do tasks as your alter-ego to see how you move differently/act differently from them.
Try shadowing by using a sheet to show the difference between you and the alter-ego.
Think about why you created an alter-ego.
How are they different.
Choose one idea and develop it.
Ideas for script 2:
I don’t remember exactly when I stopped being happy. I’m always unhappy; I don’t think I’ve had a genuine moment of happiness since I was 10 years old. Everything I once believed in changed, leaving me with no identity and questioning my choices.
I grew up in a Catholic church, attending mass every Sunday. I used to say the rosary with my mum everyday which always resulted in me falling asleep and waking up at the end. Come on how much of Our Fathers and Hail Mary’s can a ten year old stomach? I used to go to confession twice a year, always confessing the same two things, I bet when the priest used to see me coming he already knew this was going to be a boring conversation with no juicy gossip to sit and enjoy.
Our Father who art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us today our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses,
As we forgive those who trespass against us;
And lead us not into Temptation…
Temptation…Temptation… (Laugh) and that’s when I saw him…and there it was ‘Hallelujah.’ (Sing the Hallelujah)
I dreamt about you again last night,
I don’t understand why when you are out of sight.
I am tired of trying to understand it all,
I’m tired of the fight.
For once I saw your face as clear as day,
You smiled, but we had nothing to say,
Why do you do this, pop up without a word,
And just like that my foundations just turn to dirt?
Blaze: This is so you this is what you do, you’d rather make do than make a move. What will it take now how do I make this matter enough to you?
C: I'm in this fight and I'm swinging and my arms are getting tired. I'm trying to beat this emptiness but I'm running out of time. I'm sinking in the sand and I can barely stand, I’m lost in this dream.
B: Nothing to lose but everything to gain, reflecting now on how things could've been. There's nothing left to fear.
C: I'm scared of being the only shadow I see along a wall and I’m scared of the only heart beat I hear beating is my own. 'Cause I'm tired of this emptiness, I feel like I’m drowning.
B: I've given too much of myself and now it's driving me crazy, I'm crying out for help. Sometimes I wish someone would just come here and save me, save me from myself.
C: Everyone wants to lean on me; I guess I'm their soldier. Well, who's gonna be mine? I guess I'm living a lie. Inside my mind each day I die. What can bring me back to life?
Feedback:
Liked the part when you sang the 'Hallelujah' and people automatically know what that was for.
At the beginning there was a lot of focus and energy but as you moved onto the next part, maybe because it is fragments of the piece so far, the energy dropped but managed to pick it up quickly.
Think about your staging of the piece, how and where you going to say each part.
First Draft of Script:
I don’t remember exactly when I stopped being happy. I’m always unhappy; I don’t think I’ve had a genuine moment of happiness since I was 10 years old. Everything I once believed in changed, leaving me with no identity and questioning my choices.
I grew up as a tomboy; mainly because the only children my age growing up were my brother and my cousin. I used to have sleepovers at my aunt’s house, somehow being the only girl I always found myself in the middle. Bath time I was in the middle, bed time, walking down the road, even sitting in the car I was in the middle. Being the only girl in our group the boys were always told to take care of me but more than not I just blended in, whatever the boys could do I could do just as well. Climb trees and hang upside down, easy. Shooting random junk into the neighbour’s yard with our slingshots, yeah.
Waking up at 7 in the morning, sneak out of the house and climb over a 8 foot metal gate just to go to the shops to buy a box of matches for our fire-crackers. How many times were we told that was dangerous??? We were having too much fun to care; the thing with hanging out with boys is you had to learn to be rough and dangerous.
Once during our many sleepovers I woke to find my cousin and my brother popping gun pellets with their teeth, my aunt didn’t find it very amusing to be woken up by the sound of gun fire, so instead decided the best way to get some sleep with three kids in the house was to make us sit in separate corners.
I grew up in a Catholic church, attending mass every Sunday. I used to say the rosary with my mum everyday which always resulted in me falling asleep and waking up at the end. Come on how much of Our Fathers and Hail Mary’s can a ten year old stomach? I used to go to confession twice a year, always confessing the same two things, I bet when the priest used to see me coming he already knew this was going to be a boring conversation with no juicy gossip to sit and enjoy.
At 10 I steal my mom’s cigarettes and smoke it in the bathroom. I panic because she can smell the smoke. I try alcohol from my dad’s cabinet; I hate the taste but keep drinking. My sister gets pregnant at 17 and drops out of school; I can see the disappointment on my moms and dads face. She is married 2 days after her 18th birthday. I make a pack with myself not to turn out like my sister.
Every Sunday I go to church, week after week after week. Saying the Our Father over and over waiting to see some kind of miracle that I heard about in the mass readings. Our Father, who art in Heaven. Hallowed be thy name…and lead us not into Temptation. And lead us not into Temptation… (Laugh)
Temptation…Temptation… (Laugh) and that when I saw him…and there it was ‘Hallelujah.’
I was hooked but I should have known it was too good to be true. I should have known I would be stuck in a three way relationship. Me loving him and him loving her. He didn’t have to say it but I could see it from the way he looked at her, it was the way I looked at him. So instead it went from me loving him and him loving her to me loving him and him loving him. It probably would have been better if he were gay but talk about taking a knife in the gut.
I ran away to London to get away, I tear up all his letters get rid of his phone number, and delete him email address. I begin to hate myself for allowing him to get too close and I hate God above all for leading me down this path just to snatch it all away. I’ve been searching since then for anything to fill the void that I had in my life, everything I believed in was torn to shreds. I began experimenting with magic and the supernatural. I discover I have a sixth sense in which I can feel other spirits around me. I would listen to music with my headphones in and I swear I could hear someone call out to me. I got so scared at how right it all felt but I had to let it go because it went against everything I was brought up to believe in.
I was getting tired of all the running, everywhere I went he was still with me. He was my drug; I could feel him in my veins. I built a wall around myself so high that even I can’t climb over it. I become depressed feeling as though I shouldn’t be here. I was never meant to be born; I would to sit staring at my wrists, wondering what it would feel like if I just cut, I could practically hear the blood droplets hitting the floor. That would be too obvious so instead I stuck to tattoos and piercings as a way to relieve the pain. Nothing could be worse than what I was feeling right then and I was right every prick of the needle was exhilarating.
After a while it stopped doing anything for me. The first time I made myself sick was in the shower. Id tried it before stuck two fingers down my throat, feeling it tense as my stomach heaved. I try it over and over again, as my eyes begin to water, finally I manage to throw up and at first I am in shock but then I feel fucking amazing. It was like purging my soul.
I become a godmother, how weird seeing as I don’t believe in God anymore. I begin going to church again but not as much as I used to. As a godmother my duty is to bring up my godson in the Catholic faith, so I play along.
I start work in a bakery; the manager tries to be my friend because no one really likes her. She picks a fight with the assistant manager who happens to be my neighbour and we go home together, she doesn’t like it and gets him fired for stealing. The next assistant manager lives not too far from me again; she gets rid of him too. I become assistant manager, she is off sick for 6 months, and they promote me to manager. She comes back and is not all that pleased so she starts making trouble for me. The area manager is practically kissing her arse so demotes me to make her happy.
The staff loves me because we had fun working while she was away, she doesn’t like it. She follows me into the staff room, I already know what she wants so I pick up my phone and call my best friend, of course I dial her old number so I phone my mum. She is not going anywhere; she takes me into the office to complain about my friendship with one of the staff members.
I am extremely frustrated and tired of her hearing her voice so I tell her to shut up, if she thinks I am going to choose this job over my friends and family she can keep it, and I push her out of the way and leave. I am so angry I want to cry, my phones starts ringing I know it’s her so I don’t answer. On the bus everyone is looking at me.
I take up psychology, and learn that I could be crazy. I become more depressed, my life is going nowhere. I tell my best friend I was didn’t think I can go on any longer. I start thinking about suicide, I could and cut my wrists I bleed to death but then someone will find me and call for an ambulance. I could take an overdose, but I don’t want that junk in my body. I begin to think the world is going to end and I cannot wait.
It doesn’t so I give myself a time limit to find myself again and keep running hoping to grab hold of my life. I feel lost and alone. That’s when I hear her:
Out of the darkness a voice called out to me:
'Smile my brightness cause I have a plan for you,
Your days of sorrow are numbered,
with me by your side we will take over this world.'
As i turned around, there stood with a menacing look in her eyes. Hand held out for me to grasp, like a devil setting a trap. She smiled as if she could see my fighting.
'You'll never be alone with me around;
All the things you want to be can be found in me,
I'm you, the real you, the other part of the coin,
I'm the identity you've been waiting for;
Risen from the ashes, baptized in blood.
Strength of a million souls and venom of a thousand demons.'
The angel has fallen, struck down and broken.
I become a Goth, my family is not all that happy. They don’t understand that I want to be left alone. I can’t tell them the way I feel so I grabbed hold onto her with all my might. She is everything I wish I could be. Strong, confident and carefree, adventurous and daring, wild, impulsive and dangerous. I tried to become her but I also realised that I had a anger inside me that was way too strong. I scared myself at times at the thoughts that come into my head. I feel as though I am capable of physically hurting someone and I can feel myself enjoying that thought and feeling.
She is the evil part of me that has been born through my pain. I begin to think that this is my true path and that I am the one who is meant to end the world. I can feel my two selves fighting against each other, sooner or later one will win and the angel would truly have fallen.
Feedback :
Talk about tattoo's - Fake tattoo's emphasis on pain.
Can fictionalize the tattoo's
Wear clothing that shows off the tattoo's - makes it more visual
Emphasize the (pain).
1st part of the script sounds more physical - demonstrate the physical.
Beginning energetic (climbing, floor)
On line about confessing speak about what you confess (say confession)
Take out the wording about Church as you can tell by saying the 'Our Father' what you talking about.
Like the repetition on Temptation.
Say a line of the 'Our Father' then a piece of the monologue,
another line of the 'Our Father' a piece of the monologue till you reach the part about Temptation.
Cross our 'better if he was gay.'
'Hallelujah' heard as an overheard sound.
Talk about sixth sense and black magic - think about showing that through maybe using tarot cards.
Mark card to signify life event. Layout of a tarot reading to be shown on the projector/screen.
Section each pieces to match.
Two places that talk about suicide and death, put them together to make one major section.
'fucking' say it with commitment or leave it out as audience will be able to tell the difference.
Take out section with manager as it is not relevant.
Start again with section on psychology (drop off earlier).
Idea: of having two people dressed in black standing at the back with dim lighting on them as an object to signify death. As though the sense of death is always there, (angel of death)
Final Script:
Blood
and Pain had defined her: now through the darkness she will rise:
I don’t remember exactly when I stopped being
happy. I’m always unhappy; I don’t think
I’ve had a genuine moment of happiness since I was 10 years old. Everything I once believed in changed,
leaving me with no identity and questioning my choices.
I grew up as a tomboy; mainly because the only
children my age growing up were my brother and my cousin. I used to have sleepovers at my aunt’s house,
and I always found myself in the middle.
Bath time I was in the middle, bed time, walking down the road, even
sitting in the car I was in the middle.
Being the only girl in our group, the boys were always told to take care
of me but more than not I just blended in, whatever the boys could do I could
do just as well. Climb trees and hang
upside down, easy. Shooting random junk
into the neighbour’s yard with our slingshots, yeah.
Waking up at 7 in the morning, sneak out of the house
and climb over a 8 foot metal gate just to go to the shops to buy a box of
matches for our fire-crackers. How many
times were we told that was dangerous???
We were having too much fun to care; the thing with hanging out with
boys is you had to learn to be rough and dangerous.
Once during our many sleepovers I woke to find my
cousin and my brother popping gun pellets with their teeth, my aunt didn’t find
it very amusing to be woken up by the sound of gun fire, so instead decided the
best way to get some sleep with three kids in the house was to make us sit in
separate corners.
Our
Father,
Who
art in heaven,
Hallowed
be thy name…
I used to go to confession twice a year, always
confessing the same two things: I always told lies and I never used to listen
to my parents.
Our
Father,
Who
art in heaven,
Hallowed
be thy name,
Thy
kingdom come,
Thy
will be done,
on
earth as it is in heaven…
At 10 I steal my mom’s cigarettes and smoke it in
the bathroom. I panic because she can
smell the smoke. I try alcohol from my
dad’s cabinet; I hate the taste but keep drinking. My sister gets pregnant at 17 and drops out
of school; I can see the disappointment on my moms and dads face. She is married 2 days after her 18th
birthday. I make a pack with myself not
to turn out like my sister.
Our
Father,
Who
art in heaven,
Hallowed
be thy name,
Thy
kingdom come,
Thy
will be done,
on
earth as it is in heaven.
Give
us today our daily bread,
And
forgive us our trespasses,
As
we forgive those who trespass against us;
I keep waiting to see some kind of miracle that I heard
about in the mass readings.
Our
Father,
Who
art in heaven,
Hallowed
be thy name,
Thy
kingdom come,
Thy
will be done,
on
earth as it is in heaven.
Give
us today our daily bread,
And
forgive us our trespasses,
As
we forgive those who trespass against us;
And
lead us not into Temptation…
Temptation…Temptation… (Laugh) and that’s when I saw
him…and there it was ‘Hallelujah.’
I was hooked but I should have known it was too good
to be true. I should have known I would
be stuck in a three way relationship. Me
loving him and him loving her. He didn’t
have to say it but I could see it from the way he looked at her, it was same way
I looked at him. So instead it went from
me loving him and him loving her to me loving him and him loving him.
I ran away to London to get away, I tear up all his letters
get rid of his phone number, and delete him email address. I begin to hate myself for allowing him to
get too close and I hate God above all for leading me down this path just to
snatch it all away. I’ve been searching
since then for anything to fill the void that I had in my life, everything I
believed in was torn to shreds. I began
experimenting with magic and the supernatural.
I discover I have a sixth sense in which I can feel other spirits around
me. I would listen to music with my
headphones in and I swear I could hear someone call out to me. I got so scared at how right it all feels.
1.
(INVERTED
8 OF CUPS/THE FOOL)
I
become a godmother, how weird seeing as I don’t believe in God anymore. I begin going to church again but not as much
as I used to. As a godmother my duty is
to bring up my godson in the Catholic faith, so I play along.
I am getting tired of all the running, everywhere I
went he was still with me. He was my
drug; I could feel him in my veins. I
built a wall around myself so high that even I can’t climb over it.
2.
(THE
DEVIL)
I
become depressed feeling as though I shouldn’t be here. I was never meant to be born; I would to sit
staring at my wrists, wondering what it would feel like if I just cut, I could
practically hear the blood droplets hitting the floor. That would be too obvious so instead I stuck
to tattoos and piercings as a way to relieve the pain. Nothing could be worse than what I was
feeling right now. At least this pain I could control, every cut of the flesh
was like cutting away a piece of the old me.
Slicing away the infected parts.
Every prick of the needle was like breathing new life into my soul, I
was right every prick and every cut was exhilarating.
3.
(THE
TOWER)
After
a while it stopped doing anything for me.
The first time I made myself sick was in the shower. Id tried it before stuck two fingers down my
throat, feeling it tense as my stomach heaved.
I try it over and over again, as my eyes begin to water, finally I
manage to throw up and at first I am in shock but then I felt fucking
amazing. It was like purging my soul.
I take up psychology, and learn that I could be
crazy. I become more depressed, my life
is going nowhere. I tell my best friend
I didn’t think I can go on any longer. I
start thinking about suicide, I could cut my wrists and bleed to death but then
someone will find me and call for an ambulance.
I could take an overdose, but I don’t want that junk in my body.
4.
(WHEEL
OF FORTUNE)
I begin to think the
world is going to end and I cannot wait.
It doesn’t so I give myself a time limit to find myself again and keep
running hoping to grab hold of my life. I
feel lost and alone. That’s when I hear
her:
Out of the darkness a voice called out to me:
'Smile my brightness cause I have a plan for you,
Your days of sorrow are numbered,
with me by your side we will take over this world.'
I'm you, the real you, the other part of the coin,
I'm the identity you've been waiting for;
Risen from the ashes, baptized in blood.
Strength of a million souls and venom of a thousand demons.'
The angel has fallen, struck down and broken.
of Rehearsal
5.
(THE
HANGED MAN)
I
become a Goth, my family is not all that happy.
They don’t understand that I want to be left alone. I can’t tell them the way I feel so I grabbed
hold onto her with all my might. She is
everything I wish I could be. Strong,
confident and carefree, adventurous and daring, wild, impulsive and
dangerous.
6.
(DEATH)
I
tried to become her but I also realised that I had an anger inside me that was
way too strong. I scare myself at times
at the thoughts that come into my head.
I feel as though I am capable of physically hurting someone and I can
feel myself enjoying that thought and feeling. She
is the evil part of me that has been born through my pain. I begin to think that this is my true path
and that I am the one who is meant to end the world. I can feel my two selves fighting against
each other, sooner or later one will win and the angel would truly have fallen.
Result of Rehearsals:
This is what my knees looked like after rehearsing my piece continuously. Really painful but I guess it will be worth it at the end, as I say 'No pain no Gain.' Also it kind of fits in with my piece on pain, unfortunately not that young anymore to be doing knee slides.
